Mother's Day

I wasn't quite sure what to say about Mother's Day. This is our first without Mother, so of course my thoughts have been with her.

On relationships and their failings. On lost opportunities.

You see, we had a strained relationship at best. While I loved her, I didn't always like her.

There, I said it.

I have had problems with her life choices, her passive aggressive nature. How much of this was the result of her upbringing as the youngest daughter of a divorced woman in the '40's? I don't know.

She was just a baby when she married and gave birth to me. Did this affect her parenting abilities? Absolutely.

She was a very nervous mother. She was unsure of herself when I was young. Since she was so unhappy with her situation, she took her frustration out on me.

If I wasn't perfect, I was punished. I had to be clean and neat at all times. Quiet and unobtrusive.

My compulsive tendencies were born from this. I expect perfection from myself, and when that is impossible, I agonize over it.

When she gave birth to my siblings I was expected to take care of them. Which I did. I am the one that would get up in the middle of the night to feed and sooth them. Even on a school night.

So much of who I am is a result of her parenting. Or lack thereof.

So on this first Mother's Day without you Mom, I say this:

I never understood you. I disagreed with how you raised me, and especially my siblings. I never understood the yelling, the spankings, your total lack of drive or ambition.

I certainly didn't understand how self-destructive you were. I never will.

But I do love you, and I miss you.

Your shortcomings became my triumphs.

Being your daughter made me into a better mother, a better sister, a better wife.

Certainly a better communicator.

Rest in Peace Mom.